Your Parenting Style Matters

Most of us tend to parent the same way we were parented. Even those of us who said, “I’ll never do or say that to my kids,” frequently mimic what we saw or heard from our parents.  I heard a memorable quote once that said, “You are who you are because of your parents, shame on you if you stay that way.” I do not mean any disrespect, but EVERY parent has instilled some negative form of behavior, mannerisms, beliefs or dysfunction in their child’s life. So as parents we need to look closely at our parenting style to see if we are duplicating the unhealthy behaviors or choices that our parents made as we were learning and developing from their style of parenting.

Every parent has a parenting style. Some dig in their heels and refuse to change their parenting style, assured that they are right even when they live in constant chaos. Parents who are unwilling to adjust their parenting style from what they know, to what produces positive change, tend to push away their children or produce a foundation of resentment or rebellion. Adjusting your parenting style can help form a trusting relationship of mutual respect. When children believe their parents are empowering them to make better choices, instead of only trying to punish or correct their wrong behavior, they’ll be more likely to develop a healthy view of your parenting approach. 

First, stop lecturing; start discussing, talking and in turn start listening. Many well-meaning parents think they can simple manage their children by punishing or controlling undesired behavior. They spend very little time preparing them for the real world. The truth is that a child will mimic the conduct you display for them. If you correct your child with aggression, they will deal with unwanted issues in their life with aggression. If your parenting style consists of passive behavior, or lacks healthy boundaries, the child will also lack boundaries.  As a parent it is vital that you instill positive values and a genuine understanding that every choice they make has a real outcome, just as every choice you make in your parenting style does. At some point your children are going out into that “real” world — to a job, to college, to marriage — and it is vital that they be prepared for that day.

Parents should specifically teach biblical principles to their children and model them faithfully. Using scripture, the word of God as a directional parenting guide is a great to infuse values, moral principles and impart a message of living a meaningful life. 

As you share God’s word with your children effective communication is established and this is essential for teaching, correction and training your children to make good choices. “All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness.”  (2 Timothy 3:16)  Parents that learn how valuable God’s word is and how it communicates to their children’s lives, often have children who have a sense of hope and feel safer to lean on them when they need help or to discuss the issues in their life.

One way to adjust your style is that instead of just telling  children what to do (the way most of us were raised) have discussions with them; spend time working out the practical applications of the truths you have taught them. Rather than lecturing, ask questions. When you start asking questions, you convey a powerful positive message to them that they need to begin thinking on their own. Asking questions makes them feel valued. It empowers them to begin asking their own questions of you and about the negative things their peers may ask them to be involved in. If you look at the statistics of the first use of drugs, alcohol and sexual experimentation, kids usually pick up these habits when alone with their friends. If a parent is openly discussing the dangers of drug and alcohol use or sexual promiscuity they will be less likely to make the wrong choice when they are around their peers.  Give your kids freedoms, opportunities to make their own choices, but as we say in the horse world “let out the reins” slowly. Just be sure that you partner with them in helping them make good choices in areas that will threaten their safety and their future, especially at the very impressionable “tween” years.

Adjusting your parenting style to your child’s age and maturity is not something you only do once. As they grow and mature and face new challenges, you need to keep changing you conversation right along with them. The relationship is far more important than minor issues, focus on what matters most and set aside the rest. Engage your child now, on their level, and make any changes or adjustments in order to improve your relationship with them and to prepare them for the all too soon day in which they will be out on their own. Remember to ask lots of questions. The answers you get to your questions will help you identify areas in which you may need to adjust or strengthen your teaching. Do not be judgmental or reactionary; use their answers as an opportunity to teach. If you are having daily ongoing meaningful conversations with your children then you have already taught them about your values; now affirm and guide them toward what is right. “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6)

 If I’m speaking with a young person and they answer with a negative comment, I say something like, “That’s interesting.” I don’t ever say “That’s wrong.” I then keep the conversation going (with more questions) and try to guide them rather than disgrace them. They’ll often come around to the right decision — based on the values they’ve been taught — if it is discussed openly and without condemnation. As a parent, encourage your children rather than shaming them for their mistakes and shortcomings. What you intentionally or unintentionally communicate to your children will shape how they respond to life’s challenges as adults. 

The most effective parents explain the Bible to their children and consistently live by the principles they teach. If you haven’t been the mother or father that God has called you to be, don’t let the world or the lies of Satan condemn and discourage you. Instead, get on your knees before our heavenly Father and surrender your life and your parenting to Him. Ask the Lord to make you into the godly mother or father that He wants you to be. You will still make some mistakes. But God will begin to change you if you allow Him to shepard or guide your parenting style through His word found in scripture.